I'm Not God
by sadieshianne
Summary: Derek Shepherd and George O'Malley are alive and well, but Meredith is not. Meredith gets diagnosed with an inoperable tumor that Derek is forced to operate on. Meredith pressures Derek to perform the surgery on her that they performed together during the clinical trials. Derek has to choose between having a few months with Meredith or maybe only a few days.


Up until I was about thirteen I didn't think bad things happened. People only died on TV shows, never in real life. I believed that diseases like cancer only existed in a world that I wasn't in. It took me thirteen years to realize bad things actually happen; people get sick and people die. I wish I could go back to when I was thirteen, when I was naive to all the bad things in the world. Now, I'm in my mid 40s and bad things are always happening.

"SOMEONE HELP SHE'S SEIZING!" I heard someone scream from two rooms down.

I ran into the room where I expected my patient, Mrs. Simpson, to be crashing, but she wasn't. She was sitting perfectly fine on her bed. I looked around the room to see a crowd of people surrounding another woman on the floor.

"SHEPARD GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!" A deep voice shouted from the crowd of people.

I ignored the chiefs demand to get out of the room and ran to see a woman on the floor seizing. I pushed my way through to see someone I'd never expected to see. This wasn't just any women; it was Meredith. I've seen people seize before, but I'd never been as terrified as I was in that moment.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!" I don't know why I asked this. I already knew what happened, but I still demanded to know. I wanted someone to tell me what caused her seizure.

"She just started seizing." O'Malley whispered looking directly into my eyes.

"Get her to a CT scan now!" I ordered to the entire room.

We ran down the hallway, and I prayed silently to myself. I couldn't take my eyes off her because my mind thought that if I kept looking at her nothing bad would happen. Meredith looked at me as I loaded her into the CT scan. She wasn't seizing anymore, just staring at me with those beautiful eyes of hers. There's nothing I wouldn't do to keep those eyes looking at me forever.

"You have to lie very still, okay?" My words were smooth and my eyes full of grief.

"I know, Derek." She smirked.

A few minutes later Dr. O'Malley came into the room. He had a somber look on his face. Suddenly, I was afraid to hear what he was about to say, yet at the same time I wanted know so badly.

"I'm so sorry Meredith" His voice broke in the middle of the sentences as he tried not to let the tears building in his eyes fall on to his cheeks.

"What is it?" The words came out of my mouth faster than I expected them to. Dr. O'Malley just stared at me and at Meredith.

"What is it George?" Her voice shook so bad she could barely get out the sentence.

Dr. O'Malley still didn't move he just stared at us blankly for what felt like a lifetime. He kept opening to speak but nothing came out. Tears strolled down his face as he put the CT scan on the board. O'Malley turned on the light so we could see what was on it. As soon as he flipped the switch, I knew what it was. I tried to convince myself that maybe I was wrong or maybe the CT scan was wrong; unfortunately, I was right.

"it's a… it's a-" O'Malley started to speak.

"-Tumor." The word came out fast interrupting O'Malley before he could even finish his sentence

"Yes, and its placed in the frontal lobe so its.. its... inoperable." O'Malley stuttered.

I stared at the tumor; he was right it was inoperable. I looked down at Meredith and her face was blank. She didn't seem sad, she didn't seem anything. Suddenly Meredith sat up and started walking to the door.

"Meredith, where are you going?" I asked calmly. I waited for her answer, but it never came she walked straight through the door.

After Meredith left, Dr. O'Malley left to follow her. I sat there alone on the bed staring at the CT scan. I kept looking at it as if it was going to change. It was like if I stared hard enough, I would find something I hadn't seen. Unfortunately, the CT scan wouldn't change it kept showing the same horrible news it had earlier.

People kept coming in and out of the room saying how sorry they were. No one who came in seemed to know where Meredith had gone. She always runs away from these situations so I figured I would wait for her to come back. Hours passed before I saw Meredith again.

"I want you to operate on me." Meredith sputtered.

I looked at her with squinty eyes and shook my head. Any operation she had would be too risky.

"Meredith…" I murmured.

"No listen Derek, we have operated on this kind of tumor before, together. I know it doesn't have a high success rate but I believe in you; I believe that you can do this." It was almost as if she was begging me.

"Meredith it's too risky." I consoled.

"Derek, you have to try we both know that I don't have very much time left. I'm not ready to be done living, I'm not ready to give up. I have spent so much of my life waiting to die because I had nothing to live for but now I have you and I don't want to die anymore. I have something to live for and that something is you so you have to do this, you have to." Her eyes turned red and tears started falling from her cheeks she was pleading with me.

"I don't know... I don't know" I sniffed.

"Derek, you have too! You have too!" She yelled as she fell into my chest sobbing uncontrollably and mumbling repeatedly, "you have to."

"Okay I will." I gave in.

We decided we would do the surgery in a few days. I spent most of that time trying to convince Meredith that the surgery was a bad idea, but she didn't budge. The time I didn't spend trying to convince Meredith not to do the surgery I spent in the lab trying to get the virus right. The last time we did this clinical trial we saved 1 out of the 13 we operated on. That's less than an 8% survival rate. If I let her do this there's a 92% chance she will die. I don't like those odds, I don't want to lose her.

The day of the surgery was worse than the day she got diagnosed with cancer. The O.R. was prepped and I was as prepared as I could've been. Except I wasn't prepared for this no one is ever prepared for this. I'm responsible for her death, if she dies I am going the one to blame. So many people love her, I love her, I love her more than anything.

It's time for surgery, everyone was in the room, Meredith was lying on the operating table. I looked around everyone's faces looked as if she had already died. There was very little hope in the room but I was surviving on that little hope. I was praying to not just my God but all Gods that she would make it through, that I would see her eyes open again.

"Meredith, I love, you can't die okay? You can't die." I whispered to her as the anesthesiologist put the gas to her face. She looked at me her eyes brightened blue by the redness from all the tears.

"I love you." She murmured.

"Time to count backwards from ten." The anesthesiologist declared.

As she counted back from ten her eyes slowly closed and it was time to start.

"Okay let's get started, it's a beautiful day to save lives." I announced to the entire room, like I do at the beginning of every surgery

"Scalpel." I demanded from one of the scrub nurses.

We opened the part of the brain where the tumor was. As we pulled her scalp off I saw the tumor, it was no longer a picture. It was a couple hours into surgery when it was time to inject the live virus into her brain. Dr. Bailey and I injected it simultaneously just like we were supposed to, it seemed as if it was working until…

"Her BPs dropping." O'Malley's voice was filled with panic as he responded to the monitor beeping uncontrollably.

"Start CPR." someone ordered to the entire room.

"We're losing her" Dr. Bailey's voice trembled as she spoke to the room.

"She's crashing, PADDLES." I demanded from one of the nurses as I heard the rapid beeping change into one steady beep.

"Charge to 100, clear." there was no change

"Charge to 200, clear." there was no change again.

"Charge to 300, clear." Nothing there was no change.

"Charge to 300 again." Still there was no change.

"Come on Meredith don't give up, don't give up Meredith you better not give up on me." I yelled at Meredith's lifeless body.

"Charge to 300 again. Meredith don't do this don't die." I wasn't giving up yet.

"Shepard she's gone." Bailey hollered at me from across the table.

"No, she can't be dead Bailey! charge to 300." I pleaded with her and the rest of the nurses.

"Shepard call it, call it." The chief demanded me.

I stood there for a moment, the room was silent. I killed her, I killed Meredith Grey.

'Time of death 3:42 p.m." I barely got the words out before I collapsed to the bed where Meredith lied.

The days that followed were some of the worst in my entire life. The woman I loved was gone. The funeral followed a few days after her dad showed up drunk ruining most of the service. People I never expected to come showed up. Cristina spoke and then it was my turn, I gave her eulogy but I don't think anyone could understand me because I couldn't stop crying.

After the funeral I went to Joes to drink.

"I'm so sorry Derek." Joes eyes were sad as he looked down at me. I didn't say anything back for a long time I just tried to hold back the tears.

"Pore me another one." I gestured my drink towards him. Out of all the things I could've said to him I said that.

Four drinks later I wasn't as sad anymore I was singing along to music with some other people. Six drinks later I was crying into my best friend's shoulder. Nine drinks later I realized my best friend was Meredith and she was gone. Ten drinks later I thought it was a good idea to drive home.

"Derek, you are not driving give me your keys now!" Mark demanded his eyes filled with anger and sadness.

It was a long and hard battle to try and convince him I could drive home, I lost. As Mark took me home all I could think about was her, how am I going to go on living without her. My entire life has changed, but I didn't want it to. Mark dropped me off at my trailer and I yelled at him until he left, if only he had stayed.

I got into bed and felt something at my feet. I searched through the blankets to find a sock, it was Meredith's sock. I sat there looking at this sock and all I wanted was to be with her. I didn't want to wait years, I didn't want to move on, I just wanted to be with her.

I knew that the surgery had very low odds, I knew that. Yet I let her convince me that I could do it. I'm not God I can't fix everything. I was too arrogant, I was stupid. The surgery had only worked one time and It was a miracle it had worked that one time, what about the twelve-other people who died. Now it's thirteen other people who have died because of me. I killed all those people, I killed my wife. Meredith's dead and I killed her, it's that simple. I don't deserve to live.

"I am a murderer." the words fell out my mouth.

"I am a murderer and I deserve to die." I found a knife in the kitchen and stared at it. If I slit my wrists I'd bleed out slowly, but If I slit my neck it'd be quick.

"I'm so sorry Meredith maybe I'll be with you soon." I whispered as I took my last breath and everything went black.


End file.
